She go say, I be -lady- o-

The birth of Feminism was made possible as a result of education, industrialisation and technology which combined with other elements to create a new individual consciousness, especially for women.

Today, the average female is no longer an epitome of the meek and mild sheep. She has come a long way to claim an enviable place for herself in all areas of human endeavours.  And so, she believes that what a man can do, a woman can also, and even do better. Late Fela Anikulapo aptly describes the new African woman and her desires to level up with the man at all cost in one of his numerous evergreen hits, “she go say I be lady o”.

And sexual liberation is definitely now on her front burner. Several decades back, chastity and virginity used to be prerequisites for marriage. Young ladies found wanting paid dearly for their gross indiscipline and recklessness, their families inclusive. Today, sexual compatibility and even confirmation of fertility is a condition for marriage even among acclaimed religious individuals and groups. And for many women, sex is no longer the archaic romp in the sack.

Consensual sex must be mutually satisfying and benefiting to the partners. And most women are no longer burying their faces in the sand like the ostrich any longer. Let’s look at these three accounts together and you may want to share your views on them with me. You may reach me via email address: yetty5050@yahoo.co.uk or inthesunlovezone@yahoo.com . Happy reading!

Sandra, (46), PR Manager and mother:

I am the dominant one in my marriage. My husband is an extreme introvert. He needs to be pushed to do almost anything. On a normal day, his routine is just go to work, return home, watch television if not too tired and go to bed. He prefers to stay at home weekends than go out, so I determine our outings. He loves to take care of the kids and even up till now, what I do mainly is to cook all the food, (stews and soups) and   leave the rest to the housemaids under his supervision.

Initially, I used to worry about what our family and friends would say if when they see him helping out so much, but with time, I got used to the fact that it is his nature. His siblings and mother confirmed that he’d been that way since he was a child. So, naturally, this applies to our sex life. My husband may not request for sex for three or four weeks if I don’t insist.

It was the same while we were courting. I thought he was just shy and considerate and this further convinced me that he was the right man for me. It wasn’t until we got married that I discovered he had very little sexual experience and desire. I am an extreme extrovert and needless to say that I’d had a number of relationships before we met, some of them sexual. So, I was a bit disappointed. However, I am not one to pretend with people and definitely not with my husband. If I didn’t take things into my own hands, I am sure I will be cheating seriously on him by now.

In bed, I am the boss. If I don’t insist, we may not do anything except hold each other, cuddle and kiss for weeks. I can’t hold out as long as he can, so, I just ask him. Asking on its own does not usually work for him, unless he really wants to. So, I have to be creative many a time. The kids know that once they see the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, they dare not knock.

They have to use the phone and it must be for something important. It’s a rule I have laid down and its sacred. Our bedroom is our shrine. I created it to my taste when we built our house. I have lighting, flowers, perfumes and sexy night wears.   Depending on my mood, I choose what I want and tell him how I want it done.

On nights dedicated to him, he can’t orgasm until he begs me when he cannot control himself any longer. The aim is not for me to achieve orgasm, it’s for him to enjoy himself. On my own nights, the focus is mainly foreplay or oral sex, because penile sex don’t do much for me. I give the commands and encourage him with dirty talks.

And on other times, we just flow with the tide like normal people. When I tell my friends, some have their doubts but most of them who really know us, hardly question me. I count myself lucky that I met my husband. If it were any other man, I doubt he would allow me the freedom I have. I pity many of my friends who tell me dry stories about their marriages and sex life. (In many marriages, husbands dictate what constitutes sex, when and how it is performed).

Chinyere, (30), employed single:

Sometimes when you are pushed to the wall, you may resort to do unconventional things. It cost me a lot at the time, but I got over it eventually. And because of my boldness, I was able to earn some of the respect I had lost. Shortly after I gained admission into the University, I fell in love with a guy from my class who turned out to be a womaniser. Everything happened very fast and I compromised myself too early in the relationship.

I was not a virgin anyway, so it was not as if I had done something special. But by the time we resumed for the second semester, he already had eyes on some other girl in another faculty and started misbehaving. I was very sad because I had put so much into the relationship so quickly. I even pleaded with him, promising to change if only he would give me another chance. But he broke up with me and went on as if nothing happened between us, ignoring me most of the time. I felt really bad and ashamed of myself. Then, I started hearing stories about our relationship, especially our sexual activities together.

He told them that I had a funny sound I make when I had sex which sounded like a dog, whining and barking. He claimed he had no choice but to quickly use and dump me as he could not stand the noise. It was very humiliating. I may not know for certain the kind of sound I make during sex, but I definitely did not sound like a dog. Soon, I began thinking that everyone was making fun of me at my back. This also affected my self esteem and confidence and I started making excuses for not attending classes. Then, one evening at the hostel, one of the older girls came to my rescue. The only solution was to confront him in the open.

She told me how to go about it and turn the table around on him. After perfecting my rehearsals, I sought him out one day immediately after lectures when everyone had not yet dispersed. He was surprised that I could call his name out loud in class after we’d been avoiding each other for so long. And as all those who cared to listen turned, I dropped my bombshell. I told him that I’d been hearing stories about how he’d used and dumped me and how I would cry like a dog during sex.

I asked why he was not ashamed of himself and protect the little dignity he had left. I asked if he realised that he was not my first lover and that if I cried like a dog, it was because I did not enjoy what he was doing. I told him he could not have used me since it was our mutual decision to have sex and he had not raped me. I also told him that so far, he had the smallest penis I had ever seen and had no regrets that the relationship was over as I was going to end it anyways.

At that point, the whole class erupted in laughter, laughing and clapping. I advised him to go and sharpen   his sex skills and learn how to treat girls better. After my speech, my friends and I waltzed out of the class while he stood rooted to the ground as the clapping continued. Later, some people said I shouldn’t have done it because he could arrange for cult guys to deal with me.

But I was sure he would never do anything of such. I was able to kill two birds with one stone. Shut his mouth up for good as well as buy back my self confidence. (Sex na fall me, I fall you, according to sister Joyce)

Supo, (32), employed, single guy:

We had barely dated for a month when she came to visit me in Ibadan and called off the relationship. I really liked her and was not prepared for the breakup at all. I had never heard a lady tell me or anyone I know of, what this lady told me that faithful day. I had met her over the Christmas holiday in Lagos three years ago.

She seemed an okay girl and I concluded there was no reason we could not hit it off. I came to Lagos to see her two weeks after we met and we had sex at my place. I had thought she would leave but she told me she was spending the night. I thought I had struck gold and that she was indeed in love with me. All through the week, she kept asking if I was coming to Lagos for the weekend which I said no.

To my surprise, she told me she would come over and actually did. I promised to come over the next weekend but I could not make the trip. So, the following weekend, she asked me not to bother as she would prefer to make the journey. It was on this weekend that she called it off. She told me that the relationship was dead even before it took off as she would not date guys outside her state of residence. She had agreed only because she’d found me very attractive.

She said she enjoyed having sex and must do it as regularly as possible. She could not date me because there was no way she would not cheat on me, and she did not want to be accused of betraying my trust. I was dumbfounded for a few seconds, not really knowing how to respond. I could only thank her for telling me the truth and agreed to her decision.

Until then, I had never heard such a thing as a woman telling a man she likes sex and would not be faithful to him. I haven’t really gotten over it. In a way, I still appreciate her boldness and truthfulness. Most ladies have two or three lovers and still manage to convince all of them that they are faithful to them. (Surely, no parking on the dance floor!) Lols!

Do have a wonderful weekend!